Burned

When you play with fire, you get burned. Translation: when you date a drug dealer that fights people for fun, you get hurt in the end. I knew I was going to get hurt. That's why I broke up with him. I never thought the majority of the pain would come after we broke up.

A week after I broke up with him, he started dating my best friend. My best friend who he always made fun of. Sorry to say this Ashleigh babe, but truth is he was just trying to get back at me. I forgive Ashleigh because i knew from experience how girls get around this guy. They tend to overlook the billion and one reasons that he's the absolute incarnation of Satan's spawn. I told her I'd never trust her but for the most part, I got over it. I was mad as hell at him, however. All I could think was, "How dare you fuck with me?!" But after he told another one of my friends he wanted to kill me, I got really nice really quick. I'm not sure if he has the guts to do it, but I refuse to be one of those girls you hear about in the paper. The ones who get killed because their guys have the whole, "If I can't have you no one can" mentality. No offence, but my mama always told me white boys are crazy as hell.

And though I'm trying to take all of this with a grain of salt, it sucks that I'm going through all this drama with someone I ended it with. I thought that breaking up with him would make my life less complicated. Who the hell was I kidding?! I guess my point is when you do things that you know are wrong (i.e. going out with a douche bag) it comes back to bite you in the ass.

Still Here

Today was the first day of the second week of school and the hype is finally starting to wear off... Last week i was super-excited to go to school, but now I'm beginning to remember why I was so eager for it to end in June. Like don't get me wrong, it's not all that horrible. It's just that school is so damn predictable. I'm not worried about my grades. So far everything is easy. And so I just float through the day, not knowing what's going on, but praying that something out of the ordinary would happen.

Along with my mediocre life comes the almost un-ignorable urges to cut. I seem to crave it whenever I'm bored. It's crazy because before, I would cut when I felt overwhelmed. But I haven't given in yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's worse throwing away four months of progress. Whenever I see alcohol or a pair of scissors or get the inkling  to contact my dealer, I think of all the progress I've made. Can I really give all of that up for a forth of a teaspoon of blood? I don't think it's worth it. I'm not miserable enough yet.

He Helped Me Let Go

So here I was feeling all horrible for breaking up with someone who was madly in love with me. Turns out I was wrong. Of coutrse I'm wrong every now and again.... Hell--I'm wrong so damn often it's become more of a state of mind. I know people won't believe me when I say this, but I have moved on. yes I hacked into his email and facebook accounts and prayed to God that he'd get hit by a truck, I am officially over it.

Maybe I wasn't over it before. Okay lemme be honest, I sure as hell was not. But that was because I felt horridly guilty. I felt as though I'd betrayed him after I made all those professions of my undying love. He kept saying that he couldn't believe I was breaking up with him. That he didn't get how I could break up with someone I loved so much. I cried repeatedly. I convinced myself that my being so broken up about it meant that I still had feelings for him. I didn't. I just felt like the biggest jerk alive.

Now I know that I don't love him anymore. But I'm mad as hell. I just can't stand being lied to. What I don't understand is why he felt he had to lie to me and pretend he was so torn. He could've said, "Oh well honestly I already moved on. We've been really distand and I kinda saw this coming." (Or something like that) I probably would've been peeved for a while, but it would have been the TRUTH. If he ever loved me at all, he would've thought enough of me not to lie, even though it was over. So thanks my love. Thanks for adding to my trust issues!

On a serious note, I still love him. I think I always will. But I'm 100% sure that it's not that type of love. I wish him all the happiness in the world, however. Despite the breakup, he's an amazing guy and he desereves to be happy. Just like I deserved the truth.

Therapy

You know that one person that always makes you feel better? That one wacky, crazy, retarded friend that makes you laugh? Well that's my friend Noobzster. I'm spending the weekend at her house... Short post, I know, but I'll let you know how it went a bit later. I just felt like writing :)

...Luv ya bunches <3

You Don't Wanna Know

I'm not the type for long drawn out answers. Random topic, I know, but I've found that most times, people ask questions they don't want answers to. Humans are interesting. They're always seeking comfort and safety. Many can't function outside what they hold to be truth. But what is truth?

That is one question man has struggled with since the dawn of time. We've toyed with the idea so much that it's true meaning can only be guessed at. I have my own definition of truth. Truth is what the world wants to hear. Think about it. When your best friend asks you if she looks fat in a dress that is obviously too small for her, you already know what the right answer is. It's not yes, you're practically busting out of it. The right answer is: "No honey. You look absolutely gorgeous." When you parents ask you if you are sexually active (btw that word sickens me... is there some point where your sexuality deactivates?) you already know what to say. "No MOM, I've never went there with a guy."

So I've decided that truth is a myth. And since it's a myth, I can make my own truth. I can be whoever I want. Because my true self is whoever I want to be. The truth is no longer sacred and so I say to hell with conformity! No one knows the truth, but me!