Virgin

Innocent
Power trip.
Pent up sexuality.
C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N.
I'm a good girl
I am.
But I want to
Know someone
So completely.
To be a part
Of a puzzle.
Interlocking.
Intertwined.
But God is watching.
So I don't give
In completely.
Keep the clothes
On.
There's the line.
All this heat
Remains inside.
No release to be found
Because that is
Definately sin.
And this?
Not so bad.
It's probably still wrong.
But this is my struggle
Just as you have yours.
But if mine makes me a
Whore.
Makes you hate me,
Then, love, I am sorry.

Big Pimpin

See this is why I don't sleep around.

Pining for someone's touch as soon as they leave?

No thanks.

I never realized it, but I am quite the little temptress.

All night long, cuddled up with him.

A falsely innocent expression on my face.

A cute little arm stretched across his leg,

A little too close to where it shouldn't be.

But I couldn't possibly know what I'm doing.

All the while he was being the perfect asshole.

But one I could deal with.; one he didn't mean to be.

Texting his girlfriend,

Mouthing surely inappropriate things to his boy

To keep me in check with reality.

This was no fairy tale.

But he was so unsure of himself at the same time.

Shy glances.

Awkward statements.

Audible heart beat.

Deep breaths

As he struggled to keep composure.

I made him wait  until the last possible moment.

Til we both tasted like cake and I felt like I'd teased enough.

I let him claim me, but wanting more.

Needing more.

"I have to see you soon. I can't wait so long this time."

I can't either.

(Of course he'll never know.)

That I already miss his lips suckling mine.

Slightly chapped and ever so male.

His hands creeping into my shirt, on my ass.

Seeing how far I'd let him go. 

I had all the power. I coulda said no.

Of course I didn't.

I slowly invited him.

Tilting my head, my dainty little fingers kneeding his solid biceps.

Pressing oh so closer until only thin costumes hindered us.

And I wanted that layer thinned

Even more.

I lifted my leg, a silent statement.

Urging him closer,

Begging for his pelvis

To struggle against mine.

He sated my innocent demand.

Teach me.

He will.

That goodbye hug.

So sweet.

I thought I could 

Nuzzle his neck

For forever.

I sniffed

Trying to memorize his sent.

"Awwe, BooBoo

Are you crying?"

No.

I sorta wanted to.

I know I'm messing with fire.

Playing and getting played

Simultaneously.

But I like this game.

Stop Tryna Play Me

You, my dear, are a lot of things, but you're not dumb. You sit around here and expect me to believe that you love me. You play the victim when I'm the one all bloody from battle. You think saying you screwed up means something? It doesn't. Because you refuse to change. I see you, and I want to die. I wonder what I could've possibly done to make you this way. But this was not my doing. And so, I can no longer do it. I cannot supply you with the hammer you need to shatter my world once again. I love you, bitch... Yeah, I know that one was my b.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I love you.
I really do.
But I can't.
I couldn't.
So I did it.
And now I feel empty.

Don't Worry

I'm okay.
I'll be good.
I promise.

Letting Go

I always need to be in control. My life needs order. I like order.

Even numbers.
Numbers with repeating digits.
Predictable events.
Sturdy, safe people.

But even with all this order around me, this uniformity that I've come to find comfort in, I still find myself in a tizzy. I'm a mess, I realize. On the inside I'm drowned with chaos.

And maybe I like it.
Maybe I don't wanna be perfect.
I'm only 16.
I need time, and space.

I need to grow, and make mistakes. And how dare I impose myself upon people that have their shit together? How could I live with myself?

How do I live with myself
When all these admirable people
Lovable beyond compare,
Love and admire me?

It isn't right. And their love is weighty with pressure. I feel as though I've been put on a pedestal by you. You're killing me.

Can't you see it?
The air up here is way too thin.
I can see you,
But I'm lonely here.

It isn't at all your fault, nor is it your problem. I'm climbing of the pedestal because it's something I have to do.

I step down
Look around,
See your face.
I've disappointed you.

But I can't climb back up. And I can't turn back time. And your eyes don't know my new face. Where does this leave us?

You cannot help.
You've done enough.
I'm off the pedestal.
I'm still alone.

Let me.
Alone.
Let me.
On my own

I'm Gone

You think you know me but you don't.
How could you?
I don't even know me.
Laid me down to sleep
Woke up a perfect stranger.
Fighting in a war I can't win,
A lone ranger.
My eyes on the prize,
My finger on the trigger.
My aim sucks balls.
Who the fuck am I kidding?
But I can't give up the ghost.
I've come too close.
I can sense it,
I see it,
But as I touch it
It's gone.

Horrible

Why am I so
Horrible?
Why do I do such
Horrible things?
How do I make people
Feel so horribly, too?

It's a fucking talent.

I wish I could stop hurting myself because in the process I hurt you. The persons I love the most. I never meant to.

Love Me, Please

I've cried about this so much
I might as well blog,
Yah?
Do you know how it feels
To lose someone who is part
Of the reason you're alive?
Rubbed your eyes blind
Wishing you could go back in time.
Undo whatever it is that made
Them despise your existance.

But no matter how much they
Hate you,
You hate yourself more.
How could you let that one
Walk out the door?

You screw up.
What the fuck is wrong
With you, what isn't?

You make excuses:
It's not you.
They've changed.
But somehow it's your fault.
It always is.

He hates me.
Whether he says it or not.
I hate me.
I hate myself.
I hate Michka.
She's a crazy-ass bitch.