5, 4, 3, 2, 1

Today happens to be your lucky day, for this is the second time I'm posting on this blessed day. Anyway. I really need a list. If there's no list, I can't think. I created countdown to help me put things into perspective. Numbers help everything make sense to me. Here it goes:

5. I have five friends...five people that I love without a doubt. Five years of pain. Five new ways to express myself. Five new simple pleasures. Five reasons not to cut.

4. Four days until the party. (IT'S GONNA BE FRIGGING AMAZING). Four girls to entertain. Decorations, food, games, nail polish... Gosh there's so much to think about, but it'll be worth it in the end. I'm hoping that it will, at least.

3. I've got three hours before I need to go to bed. I really wanna hit the sack early tonight so that I won't fall asleep in church tomorrow. That also means that I have three hours to finish all my homework. Can I sneak in time for Naruto? (Maybe not. I feel my eyelids closing already.)

2. Two days of fasting. Starting tomorrow morning I will have nothing but water, black coffee, and tea. Two cups of each. Hopefully I'll lose at least two pounds. 79lbs is still my goal.

1. One day... less than 24 hours, rather... until our choir sings in church. I'm not very excited to get up on stage and completely embarrass myself, but I made a committment. I can't really back out now.

Fall

Today I woke up, rolled out of bed, took a glance at my incomplete english homework and thought to myself, "Fuck it."

Fuck it and damn them all straight to hell.

I walked to the car half dressed, and once safely seated inside all I wanted to do was jump out of the moving vehicle. I wanted to die for no reason at all. I wanted to fade away. And as my thoughts lulled, one thing remained. Fuck it.

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and th leaves were falling. Right along with them was my soul. My soul felt as though it too were being cut of from its life support and into the unknown... Somewhere called "The Fuck It Zone".

...This damned season dubbed fall.

Progress

I'm beginning to think that I will never change. I will never be the person I want to be. As I take in the past year of my life, I realize that I am essentially where I was last year around this time: confused, in love, and waiting to rebel. It's crazy how I'm aways falling completely for one person or thing. How I completely throw myself at an endeavor, even when everything inside me it screaming no. I guess I wanna be hurt. I guess I wanna get shut down so many times that I just shrink back into myself. Because if all I have is myself, there'll be no one left to hurt me. Sad, huh?

Rejected

Life's been weird. I feel... Alone... I'm confused and distant from almost everyone. It's strange feeling as though you could die at any moment and no one would give a damn. If you've never felt that way, trust me: it hurts like hell. I'm having a hard time with trust recently. Harder than usual because I find myself opening up more. But the people I let get close to me end up betraying me every time. Abbi hasn't yet. Ash has. Helena multiple times. And, no offence, but I wouldn't put it past Rosie. And of course there's a guy that I actually WANT to trust, with me there always is. I thought I liked him. I was wrong. I mean I friggin LOVE him. He's hot, sensitive, Godly... All that good stuff. I sort of told him how I felt. Didn't come as a huge shock to me that he didn't feel the same way. However, usually when a guy rejects me, I feel like I'm dying. Literal heartache. But with him it's different. For example, I find myself moving on sooner than usual. Like I was about to die at last friday's soccer game. There were these two really hot guys. Of course my stalker bestie and I followed one of them! ^^ When I talked to Mr. Reject Michka later it just seemed a lot easier... A lot more like friendship. A lot more bearable. A lot less uncomfortable.

Update--November 1st

It's really easy to hate life. I always find myself thinking of how much better things would be if only... If only I was thinner and prettier. If only my eyes were brighter and my hair was longer. If only my boobs were bigger and my legs were smaller. There are so many things that I could bitch about in regards to my internal and external being. Like I said, it's really easy to hate life. It's even easier to hate MY life, but it's the hand I've been dealt. It's my job to make the best of it.

When you hurt yourself, everyone pities you for all of 5 minutes. If you got a bad grade, who else would care but yourself? No one, because it's not their grade. This is all a bit far-fetched, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no one really gives a shit about how much your life sucks. It's not their problem; it's yours. And I've decided that rather than complaining about how much my life bites, i'm gonna do something to change it. So I am fasting... Until... Until I'm the slightest bit happier.

My Life--My Music

My heart is constantly searching
For things that are
For things that aren't
But through life I am learning
That the things that are
For you
Are the things that aren't
For me.

I am of my own mind
Never will I confirm
I live through music
I was not made to be confined
I cannot confirm
For you
My life is music
For me.

Make Me Perfect

I wish I was different. I wish my life had meaning and I wish I was in love. i wish I could prance through a meadow like Bella and Edward and be consumed by this intense feeling for another person. I wish life was easy. Make it easy.

I always had all these goals and morals. High school made me chuck them out of the window. Don't think for one second that Christian high school is a great deal different from secular school. Every part of your life gets challenged. Every. Single Part.

I guess no matter what, I want to be perfect. I will be perfect. It's just something that has to happen. And not anyone else's dumbass definition of perfection... Mine. I want to be perfectly happy. Make me perfect. Make me happy.