G'Mornin

Hey Blogger:

Life is... Life? I feel as though I should not complain. At least I'm alive? But realistically, you know me, and so I'm gonna give it to ya. I feel like I'm screwing everything up. I'm cutting like crazy... It's the absolute first thing I did this morning. And I'm so confused about life. Why can't I be simple. I really need to stop. If my family finds out they're sure as hell not gonna let me go to Budapest. And it definately doesn't help that Dave and I can't not argue. I can't do this. It's killing me, stressing me, making me want to cut even more. Like, how can you love someone so much when you can't seem to agree on anything. Nothing.

In used to think it was all me, but now I don't know. My friends say they liked me better with my ex. Irrelavent because David is the one that I want and can't do without. I could, however, do without the fighting.

It's too damned early to be writing. The hell am I doing with my life?

Caught

I don't deserve to be happy.
I deserve to live miserably.
So I guess this is it.
I'm getting what's been coming for a long time now.
I've been running,
But I knew that one day I'd no longer be able to hide.

Escaping the Demon

Cool silver
Hovering o'er my veins.
Just a sliver.
Enough to silence the pangs.
Let it go.
You're past this.
But for all I know,
This is simply the dawn of anguish.

Every second is a struggle.

One of These Days

Some day my life will take a huge turn for the better. I will wake up and not want to climb under a rock. The sorrows of my heart will be heard, and the voices in my head will cease to exist. One of these days, I'll be happy; genuinely happy. For now I'll settle for being ok.
Ok is lying in bed hoping the phone will ring. Ok is knowing that this particular hell cannot last for forever. It's a prayer that someday I won't have to try so hard. Ok. It's, well, ok.

Ouch

Know that feeling when it hurts so bad
You wanna cry
Let it all out
But you know they'll be angry,
If you shout.

You see everyone says they're there
For me.
And I know that they want
To be.
But deep inside they can't handle it.
Neither can I.

So don't feed me your lies.
Everything will not be okay.
I have no reason to feel this way, but I do.

And you don't REALLY wanna hear it.
Let's not kid ourselves.

Sigh

I said I'd never again apologize for my feelings. So why do I do it? Because of this stupid thing called love. But that's not the reason I'm blogging atm...


I'm done. Totally and completely done. Because I am a fuck-up, and everyone in the world should hate me. I'm not even being dramatic; I have absolutely no redeeming qualities. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy? Why do I hate myself? I thought I was progressing, but here I am about a year after my last suicide attempt wishing that I'd had the balls to go through with it 12 months ago, because I sure as hell don't now. I'm stuck here in the realm of the living. All this crying and purging and depression and cutting... Is this really all my life is? I hate this. I hate life. I hate myself. Whatever, lemme suck it up. I need a damn drink.

Love's Carnival

I hate going to this place... This place where everything is unknown, and scary. And everything's attacking me. Worse. I'm attacking myself. My memories choke me, and they make everything into something dark and sinister. I say it a lot. I feel like an object. I feel as though everyone's watching me. I feel like it's all going to hell. And I'm falling.

No one thinks I'm smart enough, and neither do I.

I'm not pretty. I'm not skinny. Neither of us can deal. But I can't stop shuffling. You think I don't see that the deck is too big. I do. On the back of each card is a spiral that sucks me in. I can't move, just wait for the cards to go spewing every which way. They do. We spin.

You close your eyes, and come along for the ride. When will you decide you've had enough? Can you take it? Babe, it's tough. I should make you get off before it really begins. I'm selfish. I want you here holding my hand. But I have second thoughts. I stand, ready to leave; take us away. But I hesitate, and the ride speeds up. We spin. When will it end? I look down and realize the lever is between my feet. I look up; our eyes meet. Mine sorrowful; yourself topped with defeat. You can't reach it. And I can't bring myself to pull it. So we spin. We spin.

Maybe if I close my eyes, it'll all just go away. Being left with nothing, is that so bad? I deserve much less. Much less than nothing. If I fade into the black, will you notice? But how can I leave? How can I leave you here? You need me to. But I need you.