Horrible

Why am I so
Horrible?
Why do I do such
Horrible things?
How do I make people
Feel so horribly, too?

It's a fucking talent.

I wish I could stop hurting myself because in the process I hurt you. The persons I love the most. I never meant to.

Love Me, Please

I've cried about this so much
I might as well blog,
Yah?
Do you know how it feels
To lose someone who is part
Of the reason you're alive?
Rubbed your eyes blind
Wishing you could go back in time.
Undo whatever it is that made
Them despise your existance.

But no matter how much they
Hate you,
You hate yourself more.
How could you let that one
Walk out the door?

You screw up.
What the fuck is wrong
With you, what isn't?

You make excuses:
It's not you.
They've changed.
But somehow it's your fault.
It always is.

He hates me.
Whether he says it or not.
I hate me.
I hate myself.
I hate Michka.
She's a crazy-ass bitch.

G'Mornin

Hey Blogger:

Life is... Life? I feel as though I should not complain. At least I'm alive? But realistically, you know me, and so I'm gonna give it to ya. I feel like I'm screwing everything up. I'm cutting like crazy... It's the absolute first thing I did this morning. And I'm so confused about life. Why can't I be simple. I really need to stop. If my family finds out they're sure as hell not gonna let me go to Budapest. And it definately doesn't help that Dave and I can't not argue. I can't do this. It's killing me, stressing me, making me want to cut even more. Like, how can you love someone so much when you can't seem to agree on anything. Nothing.

In used to think it was all me, but now I don't know. My friends say they liked me better with my ex. Irrelavent because David is the one that I want and can't do without. I could, however, do without the fighting.

It's too damned early to be writing. The hell am I doing with my life?

Caught

I don't deserve to be happy.
I deserve to live miserably.
So I guess this is it.
I'm getting what's been coming for a long time now.
I've been running,
But I knew that one day I'd no longer be able to hide.

Escaping the Demon

Cool silver
Hovering o'er my veins.
Just a sliver.
Enough to silence the pangs.
Let it go.
You're past this.
But for all I know,
This is simply the dawn of anguish.

Every second is a struggle.

One of These Days

Some day my life will take a huge turn for the better. I will wake up and not want to climb under a rock. The sorrows of my heart will be heard, and the voices in my head will cease to exist. One of these days, I'll be happy; genuinely happy. For now I'll settle for being ok.
Ok is lying in bed hoping the phone will ring. Ok is knowing that this particular hell cannot last for forever. It's a prayer that someday I won't have to try so hard. Ok. It's, well, ok.

Ouch

Know that feeling when it hurts so bad
You wanna cry
Let it all out
But you know they'll be angry,
If you shout.

You see everyone says they're there
For me.
And I know that they want
To be.
But deep inside they can't handle it.
Neither can I.

So don't feed me your lies.
Everything will not be okay.
I have no reason to feel this way, but I do.

And you don't REALLY wanna hear it.
Let's not kid ourselves.