Letting Go

I always need to be in control. My life needs order. I like order.

Even numbers.
Numbers with repeating digits.
Predictable events.
Sturdy, safe people.

But even with all this order around me, this uniformity that I've come to find comfort in, I still find myself in a tizzy. I'm a mess, I realize. On the inside I'm drowned with chaos.

And maybe I like it.
Maybe I don't wanna be perfect.
I'm only 16.
I need time, and space.

I need to grow, and make mistakes. And how dare I impose myself upon people that have their shit together? How could I live with myself?

How do I live with myself
When all these admirable people
Lovable beyond compare,
Love and admire me?

It isn't right. And their love is weighty with pressure. I feel as though I've been put on a pedestal by you. You're killing me.

Can't you see it?
The air up here is way too thin.
I can see you,
But I'm lonely here.

It isn't at all your fault, nor is it your problem. I'm climbing of the pedestal because it's something I have to do.

I step down
Look around,
See your face.
I've disappointed you.

But I can't climb back up. And I can't turn back time. And your eyes don't know my new face. Where does this leave us?

You cannot help.
You've done enough.
I'm off the pedestal.
I'm still alone.

Let me.
Alone.
Let me.
On my own

I'm Gone

You think you know me but you don't.
How could you?
I don't even know me.
Laid me down to sleep
Woke up a perfect stranger.
Fighting in a war I can't win,
A lone ranger.
My eyes on the prize,
My finger on the trigger.
My aim sucks balls.
Who the fuck am I kidding?
But I can't give up the ghost.
I've come too close.
I can sense it,
I see it,
But as I touch it
It's gone.

Horrible

Why am I so
Horrible?
Why do I do such
Horrible things?
How do I make people
Feel so horribly, too?

It's a fucking talent.

I wish I could stop hurting myself because in the process I hurt you. The persons I love the most. I never meant to.

Love Me, Please

I've cried about this so much
I might as well blog,
Yah?
Do you know how it feels
To lose someone who is part
Of the reason you're alive?
Rubbed your eyes blind
Wishing you could go back in time.
Undo whatever it is that made
Them despise your existance.

But no matter how much they
Hate you,
You hate yourself more.
How could you let that one
Walk out the door?

You screw up.
What the fuck is wrong
With you, what isn't?

You make excuses:
It's not you.
They've changed.
But somehow it's your fault.
It always is.

He hates me.
Whether he says it or not.
I hate me.
I hate myself.
I hate Michka.
She's a crazy-ass bitch.

G'Mornin

Hey Blogger:

Life is... Life? I feel as though I should not complain. At least I'm alive? But realistically, you know me, and so I'm gonna give it to ya. I feel like I'm screwing everything up. I'm cutting like crazy... It's the absolute first thing I did this morning. And I'm so confused about life. Why can't I be simple. I really need to stop. If my family finds out they're sure as hell not gonna let me go to Budapest. And it definately doesn't help that Dave and I can't not argue. I can't do this. It's killing me, stressing me, making me want to cut even more. Like, how can you love someone so much when you can't seem to agree on anything. Nothing.

In used to think it was all me, but now I don't know. My friends say they liked me better with my ex. Irrelavent because David is the one that I want and can't do without. I could, however, do without the fighting.

It's too damned early to be writing. The hell am I doing with my life?

Caught

I don't deserve to be happy.
I deserve to live miserably.
So I guess this is it.
I'm getting what's been coming for a long time now.
I've been running,
But I knew that one day I'd no longer be able to hide.

Escaping the Demon

Cool silver
Hovering o'er my veins.
Just a sliver.
Enough to silence the pangs.
Let it go.
You're past this.
But for all I know,
This is simply the dawn of anguish.

Every second is a struggle.