Hormonal Teenager

So today I realized that I am one big ball of hormones. It's why I'm so mody. I let my hormones rule me. I mean most teenagers are ruled by their hormones but I think it's even more true in my case. Hormones=Intense emotion. And because of that I feel as though I always need to be in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, relationships are good... For other people. Just not for me. I need to accecpt the fact that I'm too screwed up to be in a relationship. I need to figure out my own issues before adding someone else to the equation. And since I will never figure out my issues... I'll be single for forever.

Which doesn't mean I won't fall in love with every guy that comes my way. That's just the way I am. It's why I don't get close to my guy friends... I end up liking them. I wanna say that that's what my New Year's resolution will be. To not end up liking any of my guy friends. But honestly that would just be setting myself up for failure. It's inevitable. It will happen. Arg.

Merry Fucking Christmas Bitch

I'm so fucking sick of everyone acting like I'm the biggest bitch ever when really I'm not. I could just be completely deceived, but I really dont' think I am. I've heard the argument, "Don't you think if everyone else feels the same way, there's something you can do to improve?" And I guess that's a valid question. But contrary to common belief, I've thought about it, and I honestly don't believe that I should change. I honestly don't think that I'm as mean as everyone makes me out to be. Maybe it's not that I'm that mean. I mean, it could be that I'm mean, but maybe everyone needs a big fat dose of Man Up.

My whole life is a battlefield. No matter what I do, I'm wrong. Everyone says that I think I'm always right, but what else am I supposed to believe when they always think I'm wrong? I can't always be wrong, can I? Because if I'm always wrong then my existance truly is one big mistake and one of you should shoot me in the face pronto. I don't get much nicer than being quiet. It's not being mean, it's me watching my mouth and trying not to tell everyone what I think of them.

On the subject of my happiness around friends and not family... It's not that I'm always in agreement with my friends. Actually, I quite often feel like hitting them over the head with a bag of bricks. But I don't expect much from them. They're children, really (no offence to any of you that may read this.) And I tell them this. I've threathened to clone 'em and kill 'em. However I'll admit that I am more honest with them. It's because they get angry, they get over it. And I've picked friends such that when I don't talk to them their first response isn't "Good Lord there's something legit wrong with that chick." No, they ask questions. They await answers. But they don't pry. And they don't hint. And again, I don't expect much from them in the first place.

Also, I don't think I should be forced to choke up unnatural responses to people. That's called being fake. You can call me rude, mean, whatever... But one thing I'm not is fake. If I have to change the way I opperate, and therefor lie, then what good is living? I don't want my entire existance to be a lie, but i can't cry like this anymore. So I know it's sorta wrong to ask considering the tone of this post, but Lord if you're listening send down some sorta miracle. PLEASE.

Back to It

Whoa! It's been well over a week. I'm so sorry. But I guess the reason I haven't been blogging is because I have nothing to blog about. I'm numb. Cutting mood numb. I've been resisting, though, and I think it's because my mother's here for Christmas. She's super close and huggy... So much that it's pushy. But anyway, she's definately notice. But there's nothing else. Cutting is my something else. Or cutting was my something else.

...

Maybe one small...

OH THAT"S GOOD.

Chillen

So today we had a half day at school because of that blasted trip. Didn't go to the trip because, well... It's pointless. Even though school let out early I got dismissed even earlier so I could go to my friends house.


And this is the part where you shoot me in the face, my dear readers:

Two Pancakes


LOOOTTTTTS of syrup




Fried Chicken














CHESE eggs.


'Nuf said. TTYL

Nothing Lasts Forever?

What do I want for christmas?

Really?
Did you REALLY just ask that question?

Because there's really nothing I want other than a guy I can fall in love with wrapped and under my tree. Can you bring that to me Santa? No. No you can't. You fail.

Santa's not gonna bring me a guy. No use in asking. Because they're in cohoots... Him and God, that is. For some reason the universe wants me to be single. The universe wants me to fall in love with one of my best guy friends and have them not acknowledge me. How else would I live a fulfilling life, right?

Now to explain the title . . .

Until a couple minutes ago, I was about as happy as a fat kid in a candy store. What the hell happened? I guess three days of bliss was enough. Four days was asking too much?

F M L

So I was snooping around my best friend's facebook when I stumbled upon this little tidbit:

Theres alot of pain for a girls body.



Dear ears, im sorry for all the earings.


Dear legs, im sorry for all the tight jeans.


Dear brain, im sorry for all the boys.


Dear heart, im sorry for my mistake.


You were right.
 
Anyway... That was my inspiration for this post... (Oh btw myself will not be "myself" in this post. It'll be "my Self". You've got a brain. I'm sure you can figure out why this is.
 
 
 
 
Dear Self:
 
I am writing you a letter. Why? Well because I think you deserved to be talked to sometimes. I guess I just want to say sorry. Sorry for all the crap I've put you through for the past fifteeen and so years of my life. I truly am a boob.
 
I suck. I know it. And I've done a lot of thengs to bring my Self pain, both emotional and physical. I'm sorry for the heartache, the cutting, the starvation, everything. I'm so horrible to you, my Self, yet you do nothing to take revenge... Other than keep me awake at night, but we'll fix that.
 
I kinda feel bad apologizing simply because I do not plan to stop hurting my Self. But I just thought you should know that I'm not a cold hearted bastard. Just a human being who doesn't know her place ing this world.
 
I Love My Self,
 
                   Michk

Can't Wait for My Sweet Sixteen!

Yesterday was my friend's Sweet 16th bithday party. It was a masquerade and omg I had sooooo much fun. I'll admit that I thought it would be a total drag, but I was wrong. I danced ALL NIGHT LONG! I still can't dougie :( Arg, but I can shake my tail feather! Lol!

Alex was there! Alex my locker buddy. Alex that flashed us and showed us his beautiful abs! I can't believe how much I've missed the brat these past couple weeks. Of course he used that lame, "I can't dance!" exuse, but Amanda and I finally pulled him in. He was like moving from side to side and we were dancing around him. (I was kinda dancing ON him, but it's Alex. C'mon.) And then Mike tried to take my Ichi Boo away from me so I had to dance with both of them to get them to stay a little longer. I was pretty much grinding on Mike! And I think you all know how I feel about him! ;) Ugh I wanna put him to bed soooooo bad. Mike can get it!

Paulie... Paulie, Paulie, Paulie. He wouldn't dance, and I got hella pissed. The fact that he refused to dance with me but was looking at my chest everytime we talked was really aggravating me. Like I am a firm believer in "Guys will be guys." Guys are sexual creatures. I get that. And I don't mind someone looking at me as long as they don't make me feel like an object. Paul definitely did last night. I don't know how I feel about that. But he's Paulie and I love him so whatever I guess. As for the dancing, maybe next time, eh?

Dave came late because he had to work. He smelled like oil and hot dogs (he always does after work) but he was soooo sweet, as usual. And he actually kinda/sorta danced with me.

Who else deserves special mention? Raeden did a little something something, Vaughn can actually dance? Jordan just about turned as red as an apple when I asked him to dance. Rachel danced for about three songs: Single Ladies, and some other stuff. Nick wouldn't dance which I found pretty annoying. He pisses me off, ya know. Like he's so obnoxious, and the one time it's warranted, he decides to be all calm and crap. Smh. Oh yeah I think Syd got mad when I danced next to the guy that she liked, but seriously if she had put it into perspective she would have realized that any guy would prefer her voluptuousness to my boyish figure any day. And I've told her and Helena a billion times, I DO NOT LIKE LIGHT SKINNED PEOPLE! I know it's a bit stereotypical, but most of them are arragant bastards. So anyway, I didn't really pay her much attention. The child needs to get some confidence anyway. I don't think she realizes how beautiful she is.

Anyway, all the idiots dancing looked like spazztic nymphos! Myself included! (Or well, with the exception of Helena, Sydney, and Cherie) But you know who looked even more rediculous? The poops on the side acting like they were too cool to make a fool out of themselves. Like me and Sarah danced our butts off. We don't even know how to dance! But I learned that when you look like your having fun, that's what most people see. I actually got complimented on my booty-shaking quite a bit!

On My Grown Woman

Omg you would not believe it! Would you please just

GUESS

who's a college girl?!

Please? C'mon, do it for me!

ME ME ME ME!!!!

IT'S MEEEEE!!!!!!
me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me!!!!!

Gosh I'm so happy! I mean, yess it's a community college, but I just feel so built up right now. I may or may not have said it here in the past week. I know I did on gmail. But anyway what I'm referin to is how huge of a blessing this is. I feel as though Jesus looked down on the Earth and saw the little storm crowd around me. He heard my prayers and saw how broken I was. And as soon as I put a little faith in Him, He presented me with his amazing favor!

It came in the smallest, cutest, gift box, all neatly wrapped with a cute little black bow on it. With a gay guy and a sweet old later to edify me in the process. And although God maybe didn't give me what I thought I wanted (the guy), he gave me something else. A hope. A puprose. And GREAT joy!. Perhaps the greatest I've experienced in my lifetime.


But on the other hand...

. . .
  . . .
    . . .

I had pizza today. Broke out with a rash. Allergies. Suck. But at least they cut out a lot of thing. And make me skinnier. Hopefully :)