Lo Siento Mis Amores

So I've been pretty snotty to everyone recently, and so I figured I
should apologize. I have reasons... But they're beginning to sound
more like excuses. Why should I subject you to my excuses? Why should
you care? But since no one reads this I suppose it doesn't matter very
much. Here goes:

I can feel it all slipping away... Everything I've worked so hard for.
I've been working so hard on being happy for everyone. But now more
than ever I'm so tired that I don't have the capacity to work at
contentment. I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally. I've come to this
place where I can't think without wanting to cry, and I can't breathe
without wanting to die. I don't know exactly what I'm feeling. No one
can help me because I'm just too stupid to put it into words. And how
dare I burden everyone else? Nothing left to do but hold my head and
bawl.

--
Love Me. Hate Me. Read All About Me.
http://imnotasuper-model.blogspot.com/

Can You See This

I haven't blogged in a while because I haven't a computer anymore and
I haven't figured out how to do it from my phone but I'm thinking this
might be it? So... Can you see this?

--
Love Me. Hate Me. Read All About Me.
http://imnotasuper-model.blogspot.com/

--
Love Me. Hate Me. Read All About Me.
http://imnotasuper-model.blogspot.com/

Ugh.

There's a difference between being mad and being pissed, and right now I'm pissed... Let me attempt to explain. I'm not just simply upset. I'm fuming! And it's not at very rational. One thing I know for sure is that I hate this feeling. It's why I don't like relationships very much. It bugs me that I love this person enough to care that they infuriate me so... But really everyone knows that I am the queen of Michka-ville. I don't like when people give me tones. I don't like when people are short with me. Respect me enough to act as an adult is all I ask. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I can't remember the last time I got so mad at someone that wasn't Helena, Ashleigh, or a family member. You know what, universe? I don't appreciate this. Stop fucking with me!

Confusion

I look in the miror, and what I do see?
A disgusting creature standing before me.
A girl too mediocre.
Not a traffic stopper,
Yet not completely ugly.
Not the biggest fatty,
But not at all thin.
And most of all, a child confused within.

I look in the mirror, and what do I see?
A mass of confusion standing before me.
No one completely understands her.
Though they try to decode her.
And I feel her pain,
I know that every day for her is a strain.
Tired of explaining,
Out of voice for complaining.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
I see me.

What do you do
When your worst nightmare becomes you?

You raise your eyes to the heavens and bawl.
Hell hath no fury as an in internal brawl.

Growing Up

When you're 14 years old, about to turn 15, it seems as though the universe would be a better place if only you were 16. If you were 16 you could date that 17 year old. You could drive. You could go to the gym by yourself. You'd have a job. You'd have it all. All those things seem so exciting, so inviting, until a week before your 16th birthday when you realize it's just another day.

Up until a few months ago, I still had this unrealistic vision of what my 16th birthday would be like. I thought it'd be my ticket to freedom. Yet here I am, 8 days before my birthday, trying to remember why I was so excited. I think I've finally figured it out. See when I was 15, everything revolved around guys, and kissing them, and being with them. And if I could kiss them, why shouldn't I have sex with them, seeing as though that's the next step? Since I never liked any of the immature guys my age, I needed to be legal. I needed to be 16.

But I don't want that anymore. I don't need that anymore. I was so broken and lonely back then, and I thought maybe sex would fix my problems. And I got pretty close until I realized that that's not what would bring me happiness. What I really wanted was love; I was just looking for it in the wrong places. By some strange turn of events I found it--love, that is-- and sex will just have to wait until I'm married, yah?

Now that that's squared away, there are other things that I look forward to. I'm getting my permit next week, that's cool. But in actuality, I'll be closer to seventeen when I get my license, and maybe closer to 18 when I get my first jeep or truck. Also, I'm looking for a job, but I'm busy enough with school and soccer. School and soccer plus a job and drivers' ed? Where does that leave me? With tons of responsibility and not enough fun. Will I have time for all that AND my boyfriend? I'm just coming to realize that being 16 will be a huge burden, but it's one I welcome because today I feel as though I can conquer anything. I'm no longer a child; I'm growing up.