I Want Chicken!

My sister and I have an agrrement. She cooks Sunday-Tuesday and I cook for the rest of the week. As I expected, whatever my sister cooks is always something that came pre-packaged and all you have to do is stick it in the oven. And although food and I are not always on speaking terms, I love to cook. So I cook the 'real food'. Anyway, remember how I'm not gonna eat meat for five days? Well yesterday I made BBQ Chicken. It smelled soooooo amazing, but I kept telling myself, remember your goal, Michka. For the rest of the night I was literally chanting to myself, "I am pretty. I will not eat that chicken. No chicken until I see my beaty." And sure enough when I looked in the mirror there was a split second where I was like, Hmmmmm not too shabby there. But eventually all the insecurities came back. I'm craving chicken, but what I crave even more is to be satisfied with myself. At the rate this is going, it looks like I'm going to be a vegetarian for the rest of my life!

No More Sabotage

Sometimes we feel the need to fix things that aren't really broken. It's like when things are good we subconciously mess them up because we feel that it's too good to be true. Jane Austen says, " Nobody minds having what is too good for them." But on the contrary, I feel as though whenever life is seemingly perfect, I create a problem. Like when a relationship is going well. . . That's when you begin to question it. It's like when you buy a pair of jeans a size smaller than you usually do. When they fit, don't you just chalk it up to the possibility that it was mis-tagged. Or the excuse that European clothing is different? You think, I couldn't possibly have lost weight. Maybe your brain does not opperate this way but mine, on the other hand, does.

I live in constant battle with myself. The constant need for self-inflicted emotionally pain is one that appals me. Yet I always give into it. So I'm doing a 5-day 'My Life Is Perfect the Way It Is' wellness fast. It's not so much about the fasting as it is about the conditioning. So while I am not abstaining from the consumption of food, you may. But I am going to abstain from eating meat. I love meat. So I'm hoping that everytime I feel the need to eat some chicken I'll think, I will have some chicken when I realize that self-torture is not solving any purpose. If my body realizes that the only way it's getting meat is if it begins to see it's own beauty, then I will trick my brain into giving up the bad thoughts for a nice juicy cheeseburger. I just hope it works. Feel free to join me.

Giving Up the Ghost

One of my favorite quotes is this one said by Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl : "There's no shame in giving up if the prize isn't worth it." Similarly, in her novel The Other Boleyn Girl, Philippa Gregory says, ". . . no shame in surrender when you are completely and utterly defeated." So although we all like to win, I feel as though there is one thing that it's okay for me to lose: my self. My inhibitions. And all the little voices in my head that tell me to be something or someone whom I am not.

For an over-extended period of time my main goal in life was being perfect. I had this strict, rigid, cookie-cutter idea of beauty that, in honesty, no one measured up to. Even now, when I look in the mirror, sometimes all I can see is a girl who needs to be changed, molded, and worked like clay into something this side of spectacular. I've always felt that I needed to be normal in order to fit society's standards. But the other day I came along a quote by the singer, Fergie. ( I must warn you that I am a 'quote person.) Anyway Fergie said this: ". . . when you people-please, you please everyone but yourself. YOu dig yourself into a little cave. The only way out of that cave is to express yourself."

I have decided that it is time for me to find my way out of this cave. I want to change whhat I see in the mirror, not by altering myself, but by modifying the way I veiw myself. I am facing reality. I am not a supermodel. I am not an angel. I am not the world's opinion of me. I am myself. I will be myself. After all, I'm just a girl.