Third Time's the Charm

So I did it... Lord help me I did it.

No more tears. It's done. Wasn't that big of a deal to begin with.


With Tom I took that as a sign that I really don't love him. And I don't. But this time around I just think that heartbreak gets easier when you have three in a three month period.

. . .
  . . .
    . . .

So where does this leave me, my precious blog? Well I'm not exactly sure. I guess time will tell. I feel like Bruno Mars in that song Grenade. Unrequited love is always relatable. But anyway, unlike with Emmett, Sander, and Tom, I'm not gonna give up on this one. Like I'm definately not gonna push him because I want our friendship to remain as awesome as it was before. He truly is one of the few people that get me. But now that I tested out the waters for myself, I'm gonna take this to the man upstairs. I know I was going coo-coo bananas, but I think he's speaking to me. because suddenly I'm sure that he WILL give me the desires of my heart. But he'll do it in his time, not mine. All I can do is pray for our friendship and hopefully a future relationship, and that I'll grow in love and learn to appreciate God's timing.


Because with God everything is made perfect and new in Acts 9.

Because he says His thoughts are not my thoughts. (Is 55:8)... And thank God because then we'd all be dead!

I need to learn to love His appearing.

And because the fruit of His spirit is goodness. He is good. He wants me to increase in Him (Col 2:9) Behind the pain we see the hand of God. And LASTLY because in Jerimiah 29:11, His goodness gives us HOPE.

HIS GOODNESS GIVES ME HOPE. :)

Ugh Again

You know what?

Fuck this.

Excuse the language. But I'm not sorry.



Because really this makes no fucking sense... That ugly idiotic chicks have boyfriends and
I DON'T.

And it's not just that I want what they have. What they have is nothing compared to him. He's as close to perfect as it gets. I know I said that about Tommy but Tommy doesn't come close, and that in itself is enough to make me fight for this. Because I thought Tommy was a slice of heaven.



Don't get me wrong, I am depressed. And broken. And abashed. But eventually when I decide to give myself a kick in the face and get out of this, he will be mine.

Maybe not today. Maybe not this year. Hell, given my track record, maybe not ever. But I'm sick of this. I'm sick of hiding shit. If I'm gonna be the emo chick I might as well do it right.


You know what. I'm gonna text him. Right now. Because I CAN'T do this. Whether he likes me or not he will know that I like him. Today. Or maybe tomorrow since he's sleeping. But I shal go before I lose my nerve.


Oh and I know have some nerve to talk about God after all the cussing I did in this post, but I'm about to go there.

Pastor Scibelli said that sometimes we have to do things and stop using not hearing from God as an excuse. So here goes relationship humiliation number 2 of late.

Father Can You Hear Me

Today I dared to step on the scale. I don't know why. I'm still 112 which is pretty bad, but I thought I gained at least 3lbs from thursday alone so at least I did better than I thought.



Right now I'm writing for the heck of it... Because I have no life. Hopefully after a while I'll get on one subject and stick to it...

OH WAIT!
. . .
  . . .
    . . .

Why the frig am I the most unlikable person ever?! I'm sick on *trying* to make guys like me. I guess I just don't have what it takes anymore. My love life sucks male parts. Maybe it's a sign from God. Maybe he's telling me I just have to be single. And if there's a reason for my misery I really wish he'd just tell me. >Gosh I'm legit crying right now< I just feel really unheard. God said he gives us the desires of our heart so why does it seem like I'm not getting ANYTHING I want. I mean I could just be acting like an ingrate, but I just don't get it. So if you feel like praying, pray for me.

. . .
  . . .
    . . .

And this time I can't brush it off. I think I'm honestly in LOVE with this guy. Why doesn't he love me back?! It's just not fair. And the guys that I don't like, like me. I know I'm talking to M, but I don't like him. He's just interesting. But that's it. No icing. Well all the words on the screen are blurring because of my tears so I think that's my cue to stop writing. Goodnight.

My How I've Grown

So I hate posting more than one time per day. Hell-- I hate posting every day! Not because I don't want to write, but because I feel as though it proves the fact that I have no life!!! But I've realized that Abbi and Lyssia are the only ones who read this blog, and well they already know that I have no life so here it goes. Post number two:

I was reading my past posts a few minutes ago. I read them from the most recent to the eldest. I laughed and smiled. I found happiness in misery. And in reading them, I witnessed growth. I am almost a completely different person than I was when this blog started. It's funny how the things that seemed as vast as the ocean back then seem more like little grains of sand on the beach that is my life. But it shows that I am a river and not a lake. I am not stagnant. I flow.

While I will always be far from perfection, reading those posts gave me hope. I get really discouraged very often. I feel like a complete failure sometimes. And it's hard to remember that I am only a work in progress when everything in my life is going to hell. But tonight I had a revelation. "Life's what you make it, so let's make it right." Yes, I indeed just quoted Hannah Montana, and I'll probably want to shoot myself in the face after I think about it some more, but that statement is just too true. It won't be perfect, but life's what you make it. I can chose to wallow in self pity or I can look at yesterday, live today, and try to make yesterday better. Hopefully next time I have a "woe is me" moment, I'll remember this.

I'm Sorry

One word:
Sorry.


Two to be clear:
I'm
Sorry.


Three words to be polite:
I
Am
Sorry.


Tell people you're sorry. It doesn't matter if you are or not. It's the words that count. It's the words that take away their hurt. But fair enough the words can't hurt you. See what people don't understand is that they're just words. What I've come to learn is that they're words that can make the people that I love happy. They're words that I'll try to say more often.

The Break From Hell

Thanksgiving Break... Yay, right? Hell no. I ate my heart's content. What's wrong with that, you may ask. Well I'm gonna be as big as a bus if I keep eating like this. It's damned rediculous/ All I had was salad and turkey... Untill they brought out the cake and the pie. I ate enough to feed a third world country.

So I guess I'll be on a diet all next week, which will be hard because I'm a leftover type of girl. Cold. Straight out of the fridge. The best. So what the hell am I supposed to do with turkey, greens, and mac and cheese staring at me for a whole week? Now you see my dilema. And I fear that I shall rsort to cutting to stop myself for purginf. FML. F My Frigging L.

Thanksgiving Break

So today my grandpa picked me up early from school. We're going on a road trip: me, Grandpi and Marsh, that is. We were supposed to pick up Marsha at 2:30. It is now 2:47. Marsha is not here. I mean I'm not the most punctual person, but when it involves other people, I try to make an honest effort. My time is not my aunt's time. I have more important shit to do than wait around for people. Marsha, in all her 45 years, has not grasped that.

I mean I guess there are some up sides to her being late, the main reason being that while parked outside her house, I have wifi. This why I'm posting right now. 1) I have nothing better, and (2) because I might not have wifi again until saturday when I'm back in Baltimore.

To anyone out there who's reading this, please wish me luck over this holiday. I can totally picture myself binging only to end up having to purge. Thatnksgiving and Christmas are my favorite and least favorite holidays... Because of all the food. I can't live with it; can't live without it.

Anyways, I'm really tired. I didn't sleep at all last night. I think that's all for now. If Marsha's not here within the next fifteen minutes, however, I will most likely end up posting again out af pure boredom.


Oh and in advance . . .
HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!!!!!!!

What Am I Doing?

"Just 'cause your breathing, doesn't mean you're alive."

S metimes I wonder
what I'm doing
                       here.
Because living and dying
are blurring into
                         one.
I love how they tell us we're dying every second
yet expect us to
                          live.
And how do I live
when there is nothing to live
                                              for?
What am I doing?
Nothing other than just
                       breathing.


And I've decided that if this is living . . .


I'd much rather be


D E A D.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Today I ate enough food to satisfy a pig. I am a pig. Sometimes I wish that someone would tease me. You know in those movies where they oink at the fat kid in highschool? Well why doesn't everyone oink at me? I definitely deserve it.

Over the past week I've told one of my best friends this a billion times. I am subconciously trying to ruin my life. That's the only explanation I can come up with. Nothing else makes sense. The fact that I keep consuming matter makes no sense. Earlier in the week I lost two pounds. Today I gained two pounds. Yes, you did your math right. Ihave failed. I am a big nobody poopie failure.

Another Count-Off

5. In five days, I'll be doing my Thanksgiving shopping in New York City! Yay!!! I'm sorry, but I refuse to be out at all hours of the morning on Block Friday just to save a little bit of money. I probably will go shopping an Friday also, but not before the sun. It's not my money that I'll be spending, so if my family doesn't mind, I think I'll keep my sleep and do it on Wednesday.

4. About four weeks ago, my class took the ACTs, which only confimed my belief that I truly am the most intelligent person in my class. :)

3. I can't find something having to do with the number three and it's bothering the shit out of me. So... yah bye

2. I've lost two pounds! I'm soooo happy. I mean, it's not much, but it's definately a start considering the lack of motivation I've been having recently. hopefully I can lose two more before my weigh-in on Tuesday. What is that? Three or so days?

1. Number one happens to be a guy. One guy... But this time, I'm not interested in him. I love him. No more; no less.

FML... Literally

I don't know how this always ends up happening to me. Every single time, it's the same thing. I have too much faith in people. They always screw me over and for some reason I always turn the other cheek and whisper, "Gimmie some more." Now more than ever, I am convinced that I am a masochist.

I really want to trust people. But how can I when they constantly do things that require my strict disapproval. One thing I will never get is how someone I'm so broken and open with can turn around and stab me in the back. I've gone over this mentally over and over again, and I come up with the same thing each time: nothing.

Once again I will use my past love of Tom to explain my point. One night while talking on the phone with Tommy, the issue of trust came up. He basically called me out on my bs, put it out there that I didn't trust him. My excuse was that I didn't trust anyone, and that it was nothing personal. But it was, in a way. Because I trust Abbi. What made him different? Of course there's the fact that I've known Abbi longer, and the fact that Abbi is a pole of estrogen, and he's a ball of testostrone, but in the end, I decided trust was in fact an issue. I began to work on it. I tried to trust people.

Unfortunately it didn't work out. I've come to the conclusion that almost no one is worthy of my trust. And although it is something I should give freely, it's something I can no longer take lightly. I've learned that it's okay to trust people, but I'm learning discernment. I guess all there is left to say is good-bye. Good-bye Ashleigh Morgan. I really did love you. But now you can go have fun with your ditzy replacement friend.

Rosie's Party

So we're sitting in a circle playing "Would You Rather": me, Rosie, Katie, Abbi, and Shleigh. It's kinda pointless and boring but it's a sleepover... What else did I expect? Anyway Rosie was really surprised when she stepped inside. But holy fuck I ate so freaking much. There was pizza, cake, pudding, cookies, and a pudding pie. We had this pudding game thing that was really fun, but really nasty. There were three groups of two. Each teamate had to feed pudding to the other while they were both blindfolded. My team was the least messy... AND we won! :) That's probably not a good thing seeing as though I'm trying to lose 29 lbs. But whatever. I have a whole week to make up for it. Anyway I'm about to leave for church so I'll post something else later.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1

Today happens to be your lucky day, for this is the second time I'm posting on this blessed day. Anyway. I really need a list. If there's no list, I can't think. I created countdown to help me put things into perspective. Numbers help everything make sense to me. Here it goes:

5. I have five friends...five people that I love without a doubt. Five years of pain. Five new ways to express myself. Five new simple pleasures. Five reasons not to cut.

4. Four days until the party. (IT'S GONNA BE FRIGGING AMAZING). Four girls to entertain. Decorations, food, games, nail polish... Gosh there's so much to think about, but it'll be worth it in the end. I'm hoping that it will, at least.

3. I've got three hours before I need to go to bed. I really wanna hit the sack early tonight so that I won't fall asleep in church tomorrow. That also means that I have three hours to finish all my homework. Can I sneak in time for Naruto? (Maybe not. I feel my eyelids closing already.)

2. Two days of fasting. Starting tomorrow morning I will have nothing but water, black coffee, and tea. Two cups of each. Hopefully I'll lose at least two pounds. 79lbs is still my goal.

1. One day... less than 24 hours, rather... until our choir sings in church. I'm not very excited to get up on stage and completely embarrass myself, but I made a committment. I can't really back out now.

Fall

Today I woke up, rolled out of bed, took a glance at my incomplete english homework and thought to myself, "Fuck it."

Fuck it and damn them all straight to hell.

I walked to the car half dressed, and once safely seated inside all I wanted to do was jump out of the moving vehicle. I wanted to die for no reason at all. I wanted to fade away. And as my thoughts lulled, one thing remained. Fuck it.

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and th leaves were falling. Right along with them was my soul. My soul felt as though it too were being cut of from its life support and into the unknown... Somewhere called "The Fuck It Zone".

...This damned season dubbed fall.

Progress

I'm beginning to think that I will never change. I will never be the person I want to be. As I take in the past year of my life, I realize that I am essentially where I was last year around this time: confused, in love, and waiting to rebel. It's crazy how I'm aways falling completely for one person or thing. How I completely throw myself at an endeavor, even when everything inside me it screaming no. I guess I wanna be hurt. I guess I wanna get shut down so many times that I just shrink back into myself. Because if all I have is myself, there'll be no one left to hurt me. Sad, huh?

Rejected

Life's been weird. I feel... Alone... I'm confused and distant from almost everyone. It's strange feeling as though you could die at any moment and no one would give a damn. If you've never felt that way, trust me: it hurts like hell. I'm having a hard time with trust recently. Harder than usual because I find myself opening up more. But the people I let get close to me end up betraying me every time. Abbi hasn't yet. Ash has. Helena multiple times. And, no offence, but I wouldn't put it past Rosie. And of course there's a guy that I actually WANT to trust, with me there always is. I thought I liked him. I was wrong. I mean I friggin LOVE him. He's hot, sensitive, Godly... All that good stuff. I sort of told him how I felt. Didn't come as a huge shock to me that he didn't feel the same way. However, usually when a guy rejects me, I feel like I'm dying. Literal heartache. But with him it's different. For example, I find myself moving on sooner than usual. Like I was about to die at last friday's soccer game. There were these two really hot guys. Of course my stalker bestie and I followed one of them! ^^ When I talked to Mr. Reject Michka later it just seemed a lot easier... A lot more like friendship. A lot more bearable. A lot less uncomfortable.

Update--November 1st

It's really easy to hate life. I always find myself thinking of how much better things would be if only... If only I was thinner and prettier. If only my eyes were brighter and my hair was longer. If only my boobs were bigger and my legs were smaller. There are so many things that I could bitch about in regards to my internal and external being. Like I said, it's really easy to hate life. It's even easier to hate MY life, but it's the hand I've been dealt. It's my job to make the best of it.

When you hurt yourself, everyone pities you for all of 5 minutes. If you got a bad grade, who else would care but yourself? No one, because it's not their grade. This is all a bit far-fetched, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no one really gives a shit about how much your life sucks. It's not their problem; it's yours. And I've decided that rather than complaining about how much my life bites, i'm gonna do something to change it. So I am fasting... Until... Until I'm the slightest bit happier.

My Life--My Music

My heart is constantly searching
For things that are
For things that aren't
But through life I am learning
That the things that are
For you
Are the things that aren't
For me.

I am of my own mind
Never will I confirm
I live through music
I was not made to be confined
I cannot confirm
For you
My life is music
For me.