Holy Sugar Monster

Fact: Depression sucks ass.

I guess that's all I really have to say, but you know how I love to expound on things. Depression sucks ass. I get into this mood, this state of mind, where everything sucks. I wanna kick. And scream and cry. And cut. Oh good Lord I want to cut. And everything hurts. Everything sucks and everything hurts. My head hurts. My chest hurts. My soul hurts and I want to hurt it back. It hurts more, and I hurt it more. Because I can't hurt anyone else. I try to. I really do. But the more I hurt people, the more depressed I become. I don't know why. There was a point in time where I didn't give a fuck who I hurt. I'll call it pre-breakup. I realized that after my most recent breakup, everything changed. The world changed. I don't know how to explain it exactly. There were good changes and bad changes. And then there are those changes that seem to cancel each other out. I learned a lot about myself. I also learned that I know nothing about myself. I learned what love is and then realized I'm not capable of experiencing the type of love that I want to. And I learned that I care. Or well I began to care. And that is the worst thing ever. It's hell. It gives me hell. Caring means that I don't get to do what I want because I'm always worried about other people. And worrying is yet another thing that hurts. I'm constantly struggling between what I really want and what I want because I want to make others happy.


And so I'll always be depressed.

FML.