My Version of the Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. He went through five days of making lovely perfection, saw that it was all good, and on the sixth day He created the reason pain is radiating through my back and uterus right now. On the sixth day of Creation God created Adam and saw that he was good. He then created Eve. And she was good, yada yada yada. The Bible doesn't say how long after, but eventually the serpant convinced Eve to take a bite outta the forbidden fruit. (Enter disobediance) Of course the idiota bit. Eve then gave the fruit to Adam, whom I believe is an even bigger idiot because he was just being a big fat follower! Then again, who can blame the guy? He was staring at the sexiest woman alive (pbfft, the only woman alive) naked.

Anyway, they immediately realized they were both naked, and they tried to cover themselves with leaves because Adam suddenly was like, "Hey I don't want all these animals looking at my woman!" (Enter jealously into the world.) Then as if they really thought God didn't see their dumb selves, they tried to hide.

Here comes the reason I wish I could go back in time and cut down that blasted tree... I mean I know the fact that we have to walk around with clothes on is bad enough, but there's more! Because Eve ate the fruit, God decided they had to be punished. So in his rumbling thunder voice he goes, "Adam, now you gotta work the ground. Stuff isn't just gonna grow anymore. Your sweat has to drip on it first." Big deal, right? NOT! Adam got the long end of the stick, because then with a smirk on his face the good Lord turns to Eve and goes, "As for you... You, young lady, are going to have to endure pain for about a week every month. And when you give birth, it's gonna feel like you're pushing a watermelon out of your vagina."

I admit that Eve deserved it. But did God ever stop and take into consideration the future? Not every man these days is a farmer. Not every man has to work the ground. On the other hand, every woman has a period every month, unless there's something wrong with her or she's on the pill. Though I'd love to be on birth control, I can't imagine having that cnversation with my parents, and I can't just drive myself to Planned Parenthood. This pain? Well let's just say I've wondered if it would stop if I stabbed myself in the uterus. Because these cramps are in a class of their own and they DO NOT PLAY! All I'm saying is that it seems a bit unfair.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. In five days he made lovely perfection, saw that it was all good, and on the sixth day He created Eve. On the sixth day, God created cramps. Curse the sixth day.

THE END!  (OR SHOULD I SAY THE BEGINNING? LOL!)